Smaug, the Misunderstood

(Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright to Smaug or The Hobbit, neither in print nor cinematic format. Everything belongs to JRR Tolkien, and Peter Jackson and his team.)

Stupid dwarves.

The Lonely Mountain was mine for two centuries. I was free to bathe my scales in the golden coins and faceted gemstones that drew me thither in the first place. The Arkenstone was especially entrancing. I usurped those that amassed the wealth that attracted me to Erebor but thereafter contented myself to the confines of my throne. I am the strongest, the most cunning, the wolf among sheep! They were not fit to rule from under the Mountain. I laid waste to the mighty warriors who would try to besiege me and there are none better who now exist to seek revenge. I am enthroned with gold, gems, mithril, pearls, emeralds, and rubies and they are left with nothing, because they are NOTHING; they understand NOTHING.

I am the last of my kind. We fire-drakes once roamed the North in great number but were slain mercilessly by the Valar and now I exist solely as a vessel of revenge. I claimed my recompense from the dwarves but my ancestors turned in their graves I am sure. I am great but they were greater.

Were it not for the intrusive company of dwarves and their burglar, I would remain the ruler under the Mountain, Smaug the Mighty. I took the Mountain when I was young and tender but now I am old, old and strong. The Thief in the Shadows would come to haunt me, as he dared to assist the “heir” to Erebor. (Who else but me is tremendous enough to rule under the Lonely Mountain?) My lair was accessed through the secret door that could only have been entered by the line of Thror. I was viciously attacked although I admit I was initially amused by the Hobbit creature. He played on my vanity and I enjoyed his witty banter. I should have tasted Hobbit the moment I sensed his presence.

I was cruelly deprived of my hoard of riches. The riches surrounding me even made me stronger, if that can be possible. They gilded my underbelly–my one weakness. Thorin Oakenshield claimed my lair as his birthright and was again selfishly cruel in his dealings with Bard, the Bowman, and Thranduil, Elvenking of Mirkwood. I am glad. War and chaos are the least I can do. Desolation is my trade. Bard may have directly caused my death but I lay greater blame on the horrendous company of Dwarves with their Hobbit cat burglar. I curse them. I curse them all!

Author’s Note: I had no idea, when I wrote this, that there would be a very special interview on the Colbert Report the next day. I share now for your viewing pleasure because it was EPIC and AMAZING and MAGNIFICENT! I hope it is OK with Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central that I post this YouTube video. It is just so awesome.

photo credit: <a href=”″>San Diego Comic-Con 2014 – Smaug</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;


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