I have a confession to make, right here in all the privacy of the Internet. You can quote me on this one. Are you sitting down? Are you ready?
I’m not excited to move to Hawaii.
There. I admitted it.
Why do I feel like admitting this is a huge step? After all, I knew when I married my Navy Sir that I’d get little to no input on where we make our home. He’s apt to be sent anywhere in the world every few years and I can take it or leave it and I chose to take it. I was born into a military family anyways, and so I’m used to the moving. In fact, I dislike remaining in one place for too long anyways, so if I’ll be itching to move away in a year or two, why am I so gloomy over living in “paradise?” Everyone tells me I’ll love it and that they’d give their right arms to live in Hawaii and so on.
Well it’s complicated, I guess. Now, don’t get me wrong; I am not complaining here. The most important thing for me is to be with my husband, and we’ve agreed that if it’s possible for him to take me with him wherever he needs to go, then I’m going, end of story. Obviously, deployments are not for me, and knowing that those will come up in his future, it’s so important for me to get the time I am allowed with him.
And haven’t I just said that I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii? I’m sure I’ll like it once I’m there. I think I’m the type of person who can be happy living anywhere. But I say this having only lived on the East Coast (from Florida to Connecticut) and now I’m planning a move to an island in the middle of an unfamiliar ocean. I’m terrified if you must know. Right now, I’m in the same time zone as most of my family. If I really wanted it, a plane ride is actually a really simple thing. Hell, a train ride is sufficient to visit my dad in Virginia.
And consider that we’re about to embark on one of those Super Adult adventures and actually buy a home there. (What?!) What if we sink money into a new home and get in over our heads? I could spend days worrying about the ‘what ifs’ because they’re easy to think up. I try not to worry about the silly ones though. (What if I’m eaten by a shark? What if I fall into a volcano?) The ones I tend to think of seem to be plausible and then I spend the next few days trying to convince myself that everything will be OK. It is easy to get lost in those thought patterns. My words out loud to my family and friends are words of confidence. My inner monologue is less sure. I spend a lot of energy these days in staying optimistic. Allow me a few moments to indulge in the less-optimistic side. (No pessimism though…just thoughts.)
I think a good portion of my reluctance to leave is because of how much I like living here in Connecticut. I still feel sort of like I only just moved here and I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. I even love the snow in the winter. Moving to Hawaii in November means I’ll miss all of it.
The other part though is that Hawaii just isn’t my own version of paradise. The photos I’ve seen look truly beautiful but they don’t inspire the passion that say, Scotland did when I visited a year ago on our honeymoon. I actually got misty-eyed looking out at the scenery there and I felt so at peace, like I could stay there forever. I have to tell you, I’ve never felt like I could stay in one place before.
I’m sure I’ll make great friends out there. My Sir’s Navy brother is stationed out there too and I’m terribly excited to see him and his family. My Sir and I will have adventures in lagoons and beaches and we’ll have great stories to tell one day when we’re not living there anymore. I’m just sad to leave the little church where we got married. And I’m not thrilled on missing the beautiful winter here. And I have this fear that the minute I’m so many thousands of miles away from my family and friends, they’ll all forget me and move on with their lives.
I can cheer myself up by saying that everyone and their mother (um, and my mother) have said that they’ll come visit us in Hawaii. I can dwell on the possibilities of loving a tropical lifestyle and perk up. But for now, in the middle of the night here in Connecticut (because I can’t sleep) I’ll take this time to reflect on my insecurities and shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone else. Just keep that between you and me and the Internet.